Satirical parody · Not real · Not our views
How today’s stories might sound on partisan cable news. Every story shown with its neutral facts headline for comparison.
Left
Five Weeks After The Court Said No, He Signed It Again — And Nobody's Allowed To Read It
The Supreme Court told him no in June, 6-3. In August he signed two more orders on the same subject, wouldn't release the text, and called the ruling
Right
MATERNITY TOURISM, INC. IS CLOSED FOR BUSINESS — And the Swamp Is Already Racing to Court
Foreigners were buying American citizenship as a package tour, and the only guy who tried to shut it down is the one getting sued for it. Makes you wo
Left
Four Billion Of Your Dollars — To Make Sure The Electricity Never Gets Built
We are now paying foreign utilities not to make electricity — four billion dollars for zero watts — and the money goes straight into a Louisiana gas t
Right
GERMANY TAKES THE CHECK AND SAILS HOME: Trump Kills Wind Scam #5, And The Coast Is Clear
Five deals, four billion dollars, and not one windmill off the American coast. A German utility just admitted defeat and bought gas turbines instead.
Left
The Art of the Deal, Now With Toll Booths: Tehran Says the Quiet Part Out Loud While Brent Hits $83
Iran's parliament speaker described American foreign policy more accurately than the White House did, in one post, for free.
Right
TOLL BOOTH FOR THE MULLAHS: Iran Wants YOUR Navy BANNED From Hormuz — And Wants You To Pay A 'Service Fee' For The Privilege
Tehran's peace plan: American ships banned, hostile countries billed, and a 'service fee' split with Oman. They built a toll booth in a strait our Nav
Left
They Took A Map, A Ruler, And Sixty Years Of Civil Rights Law — And Memphis Woke Up In Three Different Districts
They dissolved the state's only majority-Black district in three weeks flat, and the incumbent quit before anybody voted. This. Is. Not. Normal.
Right
MEMPHIS MELTDOWN: Democrats Lose Their Last Tennessee Seat — And They're Calling It the End of the World
Democrats held one seat out of nine in a state Trump won by thirty points, and they're calling the loss of it the death of the Republic. Nine to nothi
Left
Our Own Spies Just Published A Four-Year Window For An Attack On A NATO Ally. Washington's Response? A Shrug And An Empty Warehouse.
Our intelligence community published a four-year window for testing whether NATO is real, and our answer to the test is a Stinger shelf we emptied som
Right
EMPTY SHELVES: We Shipped The Missiles Overseas — Now Intel Says Putin's Sizing Up NATO
We emptied the Stinger shelves for everybody else's war, and now intel says Putin's shopping for a NATO border to poke. Great planning, fellas.
Left
One Missing Form. Instant Denial. Welcome To Paperwork As Policy.
They didn't build a wall. They deleted the letter that asks for your birth certificate. Same result, no press conference.
Right
FINALLY: Turns Out The Federal Government Is Allowed To Read Your Paperwork Before Stamping It APPROVED
The new radical policy destroying America: bring all your documents on the day you apply. Twelve weeks of extra credit is over, folks.
Left
Sixth Launch? Tenth Launch? Washington Isn't Sure — But It IS Sure You Shouldn't Worry About It
Seoul says it's the tenth missile this year. Tokyo says the sixth. Washington says don't worry. Three allies, three answers, zero policy — and the oce
Right
MISSILE FLIES, WASHINGTON 'CONSULTS': Pyongyang Fires Off The Coast And Our Response Is A Conference Call
A ballistic missile goes up at five in the afternoon and America's official posture is that we're 'consulting closely.' Ten launches or six — they can
Left
808 Miles From The Border, Ukraine Found The Checkbook — And The 'Peace Process' Is Still A Blank PowerPoint
Moscow says it shot down all 605 drones. It also sent 102 firefighters to a refinery that was somehow on fire anyway. Both statements, same morning.
Right
605 DRONES IN ONE NIGHT — AND THE FRONT LINE HASN'T MOVED AN INCH
605 drones, two burning refineries, twenty bombed-out shipping warehouses — and a front line sitting exactly where it was four years ago. That's what
Left
The Civil Rights Act Has Been Repurposed As A Complaint Box For People Who Didn't Get Into Duke
The Civil Rights Division read a Duke admissions essay, found the word 'diversity,' and called it a Title VI violation. Six pages. That's the case.
Right
BUSTED: Duke Law Told You It Was 'Race-Neutral.' The DOJ Just Found The Secret Decoder Ring.
A law school — a LAW school — spent three years teaching kids about equal protection while allegedly running a color-coded tagging system in the admis
Left
Nearly 12,000 Dead And The Story Ran For Half A News Cycle. Everybody Needs To Understand This.
Ninety-six hundred people died in one week and the spreadsheet needed five weeks to notice. The climate crisis is now moving faster than German statis
Right
GOVERNMENT DOUBLES ITS OWN DEATH COUNT — FIVE WEEKS LATE — AND GUESS WHAT THEY WANT NOW
They doubled the death count five weeks late, called it an estimate, and 6,000 of the dead were over 85 with no air conditioning. Where was the plan?
Left
Five Years, Two Governments, One 'Appointed Son of God' — And Somehow the Paperwork Is Still Lost
Two governments, five years, an FBI most-wanted listing, and a plane on standby — and the whole thing is stuck because one Justice Department says the
Right
FIVE YEARS ON THE MOST WANTED LIST — AND WASHINGTON'S BIG WEAPON IS A FAX
A child sex trafficking suspect has been on the FBI's most wanted list since 2021, and our government's most aggressive move in five years was endorsi
Left
The Heir Was Announced In A Room You Weren't Invited To — And The Ticket Price Was A Donation
The next Republican nominee was introduced to donors in the Oval Office two weeks before he was introduced to you. The primary is a formality with a c
Right
THE SWAMP PANICS: Trump Says Six Words About JD Vance And The Media Mob Loses Its Mind
Two anonymous sources, six words, a President who says "way too early," and a race that starts in two and a half years. That's the front page, folks.
Left
A Billion in School District Tax Breaks for a Robot Army: Welcome to Company-Town America, 2026 Edition
Two rural school districts gave up over a billion dollars in tax revenue so the world's richest man can build a robot army. Nine hundred residents ask
Right
TEXAS BUILDS THE BIGGEST FACTORY ON EARTH — And The Clipboard Brigade Wants A Meeting About It
Sixteen point eight billion dollars, three thousand jobs, and the loudest voice in the room belongs to nine hundred people who want a longer permit pr
Left
The Masters Of The Universe Got Beaten By A Guy On The Phone Saying He's From IT
Trillions under management, and the security perimeter was one employee believing a stranger who said 'hi, this is IT.' Then they paid the ransom and
Right
WALL STREET'S MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE GOT BEAT BY A GUY ON THE PHONE SAYING "HI, I'M FROM IT"
Trillions under management, private jets, compliance lectures for YOU — and a guy on the phone saying "hi, I'm from IT" walked right through the front
Left
A JUDGE JUST FILED INSTAGRAM UNDER "AIR POLLUTION" — AND META FILED AN APPEAL
A judge legally reclassified Instagram as pollution, ordered $420 million in therapy for the kids it harmed, and the company's takeaway was: we'd like
Right
BIG TECH FINALLY BUSTED — AND THE SWAMP GETS THE CHECK
A judge just handed your teenager a 90-hour-a-month screen allowance and handed the state $942 million. Guess which one of those actually gets enforce
Left
A Private Lab Let a Chatbot Write 700,000 Virus Recipes — And Nobody Had to Ask Permission
Sixteen viruses that have never existed on Earth, and the only permission slip anybody needed was a purchase order for synthetic DNA. Sleep well.
Right
LAB COATS AND CHATBOTS: Stanford Just Let a Computer Invent 16 Viruses — And NOBODY Had to Ask Permission
A machine drew up 700,000 virus recipes, they built 285, and 16 came alive — and not one government form was filled out. Sleep tight, America.
Left
Every Single City. All 27. Italy's Heat Map Went Solid Red And We're Still Pretending This Is Weather
Austria — Austria! — hit 41.2 degrees, and the official emergency response for millions of people was a polite suggestion to drink water and stay indo
Right
IT'S HOT IN ITALY IN AUGUST — AND THEY WANT YOUR CAR, YOUR STOVE AND YOUR THERMOSTAT
Europe's big plan for a 104-degree afternoon: drink water and stay inside. Twenty years of climate policy, and the deliverable is a hydration reminder